Funny emotions aroused in my stomach as I woke up on the 12th of September, 2025. I assume I was already awake and on my phone at the early hour of 6am. I must have fallen asleep quite a few times, because the in moments between 6am to 9am are blank. Even with the brewing mixture of anxiety and nausea that laid dormant in my stomach, I moved normally — I did my bed, took a shower, had a mug of coffee, took my medication and sat outside breathing in Gods work. It must have been at midday when I decided to act on the awfulness that I had been feeling — a feeling that was only a seed on Monday morning and had now shifted and grown into something I couldn’t bare to hold with my own two hands on Friday afternoon. I don’t know why I insist on holding things alone, and still have all the nerve to be surprised when I struggle to carry them. Mm. I spent quite a lot of my time pacing back and forth on what specifically would calm me down. Nothing did. I soon found myself in my bathroom doing my ...
I come across videos like this and suddenly the motionless thought of suicide quietens down in my mind and body. It’s so interesting to experience life with a brain that is constantly trying to end you, and simultaneously pleading with you to stay alive. I think that aging comes with a greater knowledge of how hard, but still pleasant life is — a great grace too, for yourself and those around you. That eventually I will live a life I do not feel as though I need to escape from, and that I am always free to run around - literally and figuratively so. To be crazy and colourful, especially if it is different to others. It only really matters if you are “normal” to yourself. Realising that I spend almost all of my time trying to understand and be understood and it causes me to lose vision and my state of being after a while always collapses. Videos like this are a soft reminder life will never not be beautiful and as souls in a body it is relevant to never stop learning how to be a better ...